This wasn't supposed to happen to me. Everyone always believes that. At least, I think everyone believes that. Seriously? Pancreatic cancer? Me? No! This was NOT supposed to happen to me!
I'm supposed to live to the ripe old age of 80 or 90, like my Mom and my Neenie! I'm supposed to die of Alzheimer's, like they did! I'm supposed to live long enough to see my son graduate from college, meet and marry the girl of his dreams, watch my son and daughter-in-law grow in their love for one another, spoil my grandkids, find the love of my life! I'm not supposed to die of pancreatic cancer! It was NOT in my plan!
How absurd is it that I thought I had any control? For as long as I can remember, I've always tried to "control" my outcomes in life. Maybe this is the ultimate test for me to finally let go of that control?
I'm faced with the biggest challenge of my life. I thought I had faced some significant challenges in the past. Really, I had. To me, being a single mom for 16 years, having my son diagnosed with Epilepsy at age 6, those were challenges. Now I ponder, not why me, but how did this happen to me? I still have so much on my "to do" list. I focused on my son all those years, that I thought I would have plenty of time to find my "soulmate". I wanted to find this person and travel with them. I wanted to sit on the couch and read with them in the same room, not having to say a word, but understanding that we are bonded like no other. I wanted that special someone that would help me spoil our grandkids, only to send them back to their parents completely rotten! That was how it was supposed to be.
I'm now faced with a new "reality". One where I hope to be alive this time next year. The Doctors have all said, "Don't look at the statistics." Hahahaha...such a silly thing to say to a girl who LOVES statistics. Of course I looked at the statistics. They are not pretty when it comes to Pancreatic Cancer. I have about a 20% chance of being alive next year. I have about an 8% chance of being alive in 5 years. I knew these statistics before my diagnosis. I also believe, I can beat the statistics.
This weeks minor set back with my white blood cell count being too low for a chemo session was disappointing. However, I'll be back at Vanderbilt on Monday, the day after Easter, the Highest of Holy days, in my opinion, as a Christian, to continue my fight. In the words of my baby sister, "TBtoG"...Thanks Be to God...I'm here for another day to fight.
I'm eternally grateful to all for their love and support through my battle. I love you all!
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Distractions
Sorry I haven't kept up with my blog. I've been a little distracted with my chemo.
I started my chemo a week earlier than was to be expected! I thought I was getting ahead of this beast. Just when you think you're ahead, life has a way of throwing you a curve ball.
I'm back at my house, even though I love being around my family, there is something about sleeping in your own bed.
The first two sessions of chemo were fairly uneventful. I had my port placed on Monday, 3/11, and my first chemo session on 3/12. I had a little nausea, but the headache was the worst. Went back for chemo session #2 on 3/18 and my blood work actually improved from the week prior and proceeded with my plan of action. Then, a minor setback this week, my blood count was too low to have chemo session #3.
They tell me not to be discouraged, but I can't help but feel a little defeated. I was so hoping to stay on track with the chemo protocol of 3 weeks on, one week off. My fabulous NP, April said, "Most people can't handle the 3 weeks on, so don't let it get you down." Easier said than done when you're the one battling what most people view as a certain death sentence. I just want to live to see my son graduate from college. I want to hear the sweet words of a grandchild. I want to beat the odds with this Godforsaken cancer. I just want to live.
I started my chemo a week earlier than was to be expected! I thought I was getting ahead of this beast. Just when you think you're ahead, life has a way of throwing you a curve ball.
I'm back at my house, even though I love being around my family, there is something about sleeping in your own bed.
The first two sessions of chemo were fairly uneventful. I had my port placed on Monday, 3/11, and my first chemo session on 3/12. I had a little nausea, but the headache was the worst. Went back for chemo session #2 on 3/18 and my blood work actually improved from the week prior and proceeded with my plan of action. Then, a minor setback this week, my blood count was too low to have chemo session #3.
They tell me not to be discouraged, but I can't help but feel a little defeated. I was so hoping to stay on track with the chemo protocol of 3 weeks on, one week off. My fabulous NP, April said, "Most people can't handle the 3 weeks on, so don't let it get you down." Easier said than done when you're the one battling what most people view as a certain death sentence. I just want to live to see my son graduate from college. I want to hear the sweet words of a grandchild. I want to beat the odds with this Godforsaken cancer. I just want to live.
Monday, March 4, 2013
The Ritz it's not, but they will save your life!
It's not the Ritz, but I tell you, I couldn't have asked for a better place to recover!
Heading back to Vanderbilt this week, but first, I would be remiss without recognizing the wonderful and caring nursing staff that took care of me after my surgery.
Pre-operatively, I had Cindy who was kind, caring and went right along with my whacky sense of drug-induced humor...that my sister and BFF Sharon, captured on video. Tia, was in the OR with me. In recovery, I started with May, had Catherine through the night and then Shannon during the day prior to moving to the 9th floor.
Ah, the 9th floor at VUMC...my home away from home for 4 full days! The nursing staff on this floor, I can not say enough about! I had the following caring, loving staff of nurses:
Anne, Jenna, Ashley, Carrie, Amanda and Kelly. (I'm sure I'm missing a couple of names, I'm sorry...I tried to write down all names) I spent the majority of my time with Kelly. I have to say, my sister and I were more than impressed with this young lady. She has it going on. If only my son were a few years older, I can tell you, I can only hope he finds a young lady as grounded, goal driven and soulful as Kelly. Amanda was another that I grew very fond of in my weery nights at the hospital. Kelly by day, Amanda by night. Both of these young ladies are the true definition of caring, kind and compassionate. I couldn't have asked for a better, more professional and caring staff of nurses than at VUMC! LOVE THAT PLACE!
I also have to recognize, Angie! Had it not been for Angie, I would have had a few more bruises from IV attempts. That girl nailed it the first time! I usually don't have any issues with IVs, but for some reason, this trip to the hospital proved to be problematic. Not for Angie, though!
To all the phenomenal staff; thank you! thank you! thank you! You made my first week of recovery memorable and gave me a great start and win in my first battle of this war on cancer. I'm forever indebted to you all.
Heading back to Vanderbilt this week, but first, I would be remiss without recognizing the wonderful and caring nursing staff that took care of me after my surgery.
Pre-operatively, I had Cindy who was kind, caring and went right along with my whacky sense of drug-induced humor...that my sister and BFF Sharon, captured on video. Tia, was in the OR with me. In recovery, I started with May, had Catherine through the night and then Shannon during the day prior to moving to the 9th floor.
Ah, the 9th floor at VUMC...my home away from home for 4 full days! The nursing staff on this floor, I can not say enough about! I had the following caring, loving staff of nurses:
Anne, Jenna, Ashley, Carrie, Amanda and Kelly. (I'm sure I'm missing a couple of names, I'm sorry...I tried to write down all names) I spent the majority of my time with Kelly. I have to say, my sister and I were more than impressed with this young lady. She has it going on. If only my son were a few years older, I can tell you, I can only hope he finds a young lady as grounded, goal driven and soulful as Kelly. Amanda was another that I grew very fond of in my weery nights at the hospital. Kelly by day, Amanda by night. Both of these young ladies are the true definition of caring, kind and compassionate. I couldn't have asked for a better, more professional and caring staff of nurses than at VUMC! LOVE THAT PLACE!
I also have to recognize, Angie! Had it not been for Angie, I would have had a few more bruises from IV attempts. That girl nailed it the first time! I usually don't have any issues with IVs, but for some reason, this trip to the hospital proved to be problematic. Not for Angie, though!
To all the phenomenal staff; thank you! thank you! thank you! You made my first week of recovery memorable and gave me a great start and win in my first battle of this war on cancer. I'm forever indebted to you all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)