WOW! A lot has happened in the last 6 weeks

Just wanted to jump on for a minute to say: a LOT has changed in the last few weeks and I'll be posting about it from a sunny, tropical location on Christmas Day!

Until then, today was MY day and I am living life!
Best weekend of December, so far!
Saw the kid, ate some great pizza & took in a great movie!

I hope everyone is having a magical Christmas/Holiday time with family & friends!

Remember, there are no guarantees in life. It can change in a nanosecond.
Treat others with respect and love and it will be returned to you ten-fold. Treat people poorly, lie, cheat and steal from them...it will come back to you in bad karma exponentially.

This Christmas I am grateful for and blessed with the most loving and generous friends and family on the planet!

My Christmas came early!
LOVE YOU ALL! MORE! INFINITY! NO TAKE BACKS!!

Next blog (I promise I'll get back to blogging consistently for my updates and successes with Dr Awesome), new treatment, clinical trials and yes, Pancreatic cancer can be beaten...just watch me. ;)

We're off to see the Wizard!

Dear Lord, I am so thankful that You love me unconditionally. 

Please chase away destructive thoughts that keep returning to 

take away my confidence in You and Your work in me. 

I want to rest in You and Your love.

TB2G-Amen

This is the prayer I MUST say every day as I continue my challenge with Pancreatic Cancer. 

It just couldn't be easy. That wouldn't fit with the story of my life. Nothing in life that is worth having is ever easy. It takes hard work, dedication & faith. Faith in yourself, in those you surround yourself with and faith in God.

I have learned not to assume ANYTHING! Especially when it comes to cancer. I assumed it was all behind me. I assumed I was in the elite group of Whipple & pancreatic cancer survivors. Well, I AM a survivor, with a twist. I have a little more of a challenge to go through. 

I am so very blessed to have a great Oncologist & facility filled with experts. I learned yesterday that not only is "the witch" back, but it is NOT a local recurrence, but it is metastatic. 

The Tumor Board met yesterday morning and upon reviewing my latest CT scan, one of Dr. Awesome's colleagues noticed a change to the peritoneum. It appears that I have 4-5 enlarged lymph nodes which is indicative of disease in the peritoneum along with the original area of suspicion, the surgical site. So, surgery and radiation are no longer options for me, but chemo is! Yay! I'll take "Life Saving Chemo" for $1,000, Alex! Oh look! It's "DOUBLE JEOPARDY"!!! I WIN! Well, not quite yet, but I will fight and I will win! Fortunately, there is no metastases to the liver or lungs and I have options in chemotherapy! That is something that wasn't heard with this cancer as little as 5 years ago.

After speaking with Dr. Awesome, I believe I am going to go the route of the clinical trial. I really do feel like I am in the Land of Oz and am traveling down the Yellow Brick Road. I know that I'm going to go through the woods and have to deal with the Wicked Witch of the West. I know that along this route, my family, friends & faith will, without a doubt, carry me through. This will NOT be easy, but I DO believe in miracles and I DO believe with faith, love & support, all things are possible. 

The clinical trial of choice is a randomized trial of Selumetinib (AZD6244) and MK2206, an Akt Inhibitor v. mFolfox. My Dr. Awesome is going to be keeping close tabs on me with my CA19-9. Yet another thing I'm blessed with in the world of Pancreatic Cancer, my tumor marker is sensitive and very indicative of disease. The other choice I have is to go straight to Folfox, but I'm going to try to help my Dr. Awesome and the Pancreatic  Cancer community and take part in this clinical trial. The only way we advance medicine is through clinical trials. Plus, I'm hoping that this may be the trial and the drugs that they say, "Stop the trial early! Every PDAC patient should be on this!" I've seen that with other trials in other disease states, so I'm hoping for a little Allycat positive mojo to work some magic! 

So, that's where we are tonight, my friends. I have a recurrence of pancreatic ductal adenocarcinoma with metastases to the peritoneum.

I will be starting chemotherapy next week. I will CONTINUE to work. Dr. Awesome agreed & believes it is best for me to continue working. I will be moving to Nashville because it just makes sense to be close to Vanderbilt & Dr. Awesome. Also, it will be easier to keep a regular schedule vs traveling every week for chemo. I am rallying some of my amazing friends & family in Louisville to pack, move & sell my house. 

Please keep Kyle & my family in your prayers, as they will need support as we travel the road of recurrence. While your at it, if you could throw in a good word for me too, it would be greatly appreciated. 

I'm not going to lie...I'm scared, but again, my gut is telling me, "You can beat this!" And I believe I can! 

Thank you for the love, support and prayers...

We're off to see the Wizard! 

Goodbye 49, HELLO 50! So glad to see you!!

While some of you are not on Facebook, you may not be aware of my latest developments.

Well, first things first: tonight is my last night of my 40s. Goodbye, 49...HELLO 50!!!
Let me tell you, it is a WELCOME & BLESSED birthday! Even after a tough week!
My birthday weekend began with a visit from my beautiful friend from Austin & staying with another beautiful friend in Nashville. Visiting Dr. Awesome, getting some medication for pain management & a procedure to gather some information moving forward.
Today, part of my day was spent with an amazing group of people at, "Linda's Hope". They held their 3rd Annual Chili Cookoff and I was one of the special guests of the founder, Meredith Crowley. What an amazing young woman! She is absolutely stunningly beautiful, both inside and out! She and her husband, Taylor work tirelessly in raising funds and awareness for my Dr. Awesome and his great Pancreatic Cancer program at Vanderbilt. HUGE THANK YOU to Meredith & Taylor for my decadent chocolate birthday cake! Which topped off my Saturday evening with my fabulous son & his friends at my house. I wouldn't trade places with anyone for the life I have, challenges and all, I am one blessed girl!! <3
Now for my latest medical update:

Thursday afternoon, I arrived at Vanderbilt in quite a bit of pain. My back pain has increased because there appears to be a small recurrence of cancer. They administered 4mg of Dilaudid and I was able to rest comfortably Thursday night before my procedure. My beautiful friend from Texas flew in to be with me & she drove me to my other beautiful & generous friend's house to rest & enjoy our time together. It was like an old-fashioned sleepover in grade school! Albeit, I was heavily dosed with narcotics! 

On Friday I underwent an Endoscopic Ultrasound with the hope of obtaining a sample for biopsy...No such luck. The mass, while small, is in the celiac axis. It proved to be a bit dangerous to stick a needle in it based on the location. My amazing Gastro@Vanderbilt tried to do a nerve block. We thought it was successful initially, but I am still experiencing pain. She informed me that it was a 50/50 chance of success.

Where we are now, The Radiology Report:

Small mass that appears to be a local recurrence

Liver is clear (except for the same small hemangioma that has been there since Feb.)

Lungs are clear

BEST NEWS: NO METASTASIS

Where to go from here:

Tuesday my case will be presented to the Tumor Board...all experts in their field. I may undergo another resection, chemo, radiation or combination of these. My tumor will undergo genetic testing to see what therapy it responds to best. Chemo is a necessity and I WILL lose my hair this time.  sad face...

HOWEVER, here's the positive: it is local AND its small! I responded well to Gemzar, the first round of this challenge. So, I will in all probability be given Gemzar again with a combination of added therapies/drugs. I will most likely be enrolled in a clinical trial that will be much more aggressive than my previous chemo. 

I ask for continued love, support & prayers.

I cannot begin to express my gratitude, as I just can't find the words. I become extremely emotional when I feel the outpouring of love, comfort and support from my family & friends. 

Get ready for round 2 and hopefully the last round of knocking the witch out. 

In the words of the Marathon Goddess & Heather Lilla, "WE GOT THIS!"
Surrounded by love also helps...#blessedgirl #truelove

Love y'all more...infinity...no take backs

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

Just as I was skipping along the Yellow Brick Road, the flying monkeys came and took me off to see the Wicked Witch of the West. And as we all know from, "The Wizard of Oz", after Dorothy killed the Wicked Witch of the East, she learned the Wicked Witch of the West was worse than the other one.

That may be what I am facing. I killed the Witch of the East, but I now may be facing the Witch of the West. My gut says, "No." But my CA19-9 says, "Maybe."

Dr. Awesome, had me have another CA19-9 drawn on Monday. As you may recall, the last one had risen to 24 (normal 0-37) from 19 at a previous visit. This was done along with my first CT scan post chemo. The rise in the CA19-9 was a bit of a concern, but my scan was clean. Based on that slight increase, he wanted me to return in 6 weeks for another check.

Well, in 6 weeks, it's gone from 24 to 54. Dr. Awesome has gone from being a bit concerned to "nervous." It doesn't seem like much, but if it's making my Oncologist, Dr. Awesome nervous, I'm pretty darn scared.  A) it's above normal now B) it's a 30 point increase in 6 weeks but more importantly, C) it's 125% increase. I've read thats what's important with the CA19-9, the percentage increase.

So, not to jump to conclusions, there are several possible causes for the rise in my number.  Of course, the most concerning is a recurrence, or the Wicked Witch of the West. To rule this out, I am undergoing a CT scan on Friday. IF the CT scan is normal, I will move forward with a PET scan sometime next week. If it's not normal, well, I'll deal with that when I cross that bridge. I'll let y'all know which direction we have to go next week.

Yet again life is showing me, the only thing you can expect, is the unexpected.
Just as I was cruising along, back at my amazing job, & my new normal life, getting back into my groove and BAM!
Life says to me, "Not so fast, you hit a speed bump." Fortunately, I have the mighty and powerful Oz, aka, Dr. Awesome! He's proactive and aggressive. As my local Gastro said, "I'm impressed with him! He is really on top of things!"

As always, thank you for your continued support, love & prayers.
I still have so much to be grateful for! I'm a blessed girl!

I'm thinking poppies...I'm getting sleepy & tomorrow is another day!
Good night...

Tax deductible donations are greatly appreciated!!!

Less than 2 weeks away from PurpleStride-Nashville and I have RAISED the goal! Yes, I am hoping this last week and a half, my team can reach $5,000 to donate to PANCAN! Setting goals are what helped me beat this cancer, so far, and I'm going to keep exceeding every goal in my life! 

I'm sitting here preparing to return to work TOMORROW! A GIFT many of my fellow pancreatic cancer patients never receive! A gift I will never take for granted! I have an entirely different perspective on the definition of a "sick day" now! Hahahaha

I'm so very blessed and at the same time so very angry about this cancer. 
Here I sit after a diagnosis of what they call, "the most lethal" cancer, preparing to return to my new "normal" life.  Only 6% of those diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer survive to year 5 AND it ONLY receives 2% of NIH funding. It wouldn't be such a big deal if it weren't so deadly and it weren't on the rise. 

You see, it's almost October. Yes, the "pink" month. Fortunately, because of the branding and share of voice, nearly everyone on the planet knows what the pink ribbon stands for. I say KUDOS to Komen for helping raise awareness, making a difference & saving lives! Breast cancer is on the decline and the overall 5 year survival rate is now 85%! 

ALL CANCERS SUCK GIANT MOOSE GENITALIA! But now is the time for Purple & Pancreatic Cancer. While the other 4 cancers in the top 5: lung, breast, colon and prostate are ALL on the decline, sadly, pancreatic cancer is on the rise. Unfortunately, in the next 2-3 years, pancreatic cancer will become the number 2 cancer killer in the US. That means more Moms, like me, under 50 will be diagnosed and die from this cancer. Women will be more concerned about pancreatic cancer than breast cancer because it is so lethal. Hell, many of these Moms are under 40 being diagnosed with small children. The vast majority of them will never see their children graduate from high school. I at least was able to experience that with my son. 

I could go on with the stories of the loved ones I have met on my journey with pancreatic cancer. I've grown to love and protect my pancreatic cancer brothers and sisters. That is what they are, family. Like all families, we just want to live and make memories. 

Please join us in the fight and donate your tax deductible amount! No amount is too small. Please  consider giving up that Starbucks and donate to PurpleStride-Nashville. And share my blog and page to help us raise awareness and research funding for pancreatic cancer. 

Alyson Goodwin's Personal Page for TN - PurpleStride Nashville 2013 

Thanks y'all! 
Princess out <3

Time...9 months...a LOT can happen in a short span of time

"Time is more valuable than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time."~Jim Rohn

A LOT can happen in 9 months:
a pregnancy
a  life changing diagnosis
a marriage
a divorce
a birth
a death
a LOT can happen in the span of 9 months...a LOT of living and dying. A great deal can happen in the span of a few short months.

9 months ago I was a perfectly "healthy" mother of a 20 year old. Now, almost 9 months later, I'm a blessed and miraculous "survivor"of Pancreatic Ductal Adenocarcinoma. It's funny for me to say "survivor". I'm less than a year into my diagnosis & I know the statistics very well. 80% of recurrences happen within the first 2 years. So until I reach 2/18/15, I'm quite certain I'll be a little on edge that the evil witch will return. In the next 9 months , I have to return to VICC, no less than 4 times. 

So much has changed in a short amount of time. I do not take anything for granted now. I learned to forgive and ask forgiveness. I learned that some people are not meant to be in my life. I  learned that you can't help someone who can't help themselves. I learned the 3-legged, one-eyed, mangy dog will NEVER be, "Best in Show" at Westminster. I learned I have a beautiful and blessed life and wouldn't trade places with anyone. I learned I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. I learned that I am loved and the most important people in life are the givers, not the takers.

Where will you be in 9 months? Where will you be in June 2014?
There are no guarantees in life, but my goal is to be alive, traveling, enjoying life, living & surrounded by positive uplifting people. I will NOT be a prisoner to my diagnosis. I am FREE!!!
How about you? Are you a prisoner? Yes? I'll pray for you...

Princess out <3

Miracle? Karma? Luck? Genetics? Or a combination?

TB2G!! I'm blessed! So blessed that I've been about to bust, all day long!!!!

What an amazing day! I wish I could bottle the joy & gratitude I have felt all day! It's days like today that help you get through the tough days.

Those dark days of pancreatic adenocarcinoma are in my past, for now, & praying for good. My Dr. Awesome believes they are behind me. My scan was completely clear. My CA19-9 remains in the teens. My weight is back to normal. My blood is recovering from the beat down of chemo & Dr. Awesome believes it is best to remove my port so I don't have a daily reminder of my cancer. Sweet thought, but I am forever changed because of pancreatic ductal adenocarcinoma & will live daily in my new "normal" as a survivor of PDAC. More importantly, my new "normal" includes all the brave fighters I've met fighting this cancer! I wish all were free of the evil witch!!!! 

I also had an appointment with my Endocrinologist. I had an ultrasound to measure the 1.6cm mass that was found on my thyroid last year. 

To my Doctors surprise, the mass is no longer there. She was in shock. The only thing she could attribute it to was, gemcitabine, the chemo for my PDAC.

Once I made it to my appointment with Dr. Awesome, I asked him, "Did my chemo have anything to do with that?" He replied, "I don't know, but I'll take credit." 

I'll gladly let him take credit because it is well deserved. Dr. Awesome led my team like a Champ. He guided me to one of the finest surgeons in the country in regards to the "Whipple". My Superstar Surgeon went the extra mile, making sure to not only completely resect the tumor & lymph nodes, but also resected the portal vein to insure negative margins. 

So, here I am in one of my favorite cities, Nashville. Thankful for a clean bill of health (other than my anemia) from both my Oncologist & Endocrinologist. 

There are no masses in me, nor cancer cells. I have been released to continue with my recovery, return to work & my new "normal".

I will be having my port removed 9/26. IF the evil witch returns, I will have another port placed. I will return to work on 9/30.

I will also be in the double top secret, Vanderbilt Ingram Cancer Center's Surveillance Program for those diagnosed with PDAC. Which means: I will be returning to VICC every 3 months for CA19-9s & CT scans. 

I will learn to live in the present, because it is a gift. 

The cancer may or may not come back. All I know is that today, I am grateful & I am whole. I am free of the evil witch. The Princess is free & at peace! 

I want to shout from the rooftops of Nashville, "TB2G! TB2G! GO TEAM VANDERBILT!! 

IF, God forbid, you are ever diagnosed with a Gastrointestinal Cancer, there is NO NEED to travel to Houston & MD Anderson or Johns Hopkins in Baltimore! We have a top notch facility with world-renowned, well respected thought leaders in the world of GI cancers right here in Nashville at Vanderbilt Ingram Cancer Center! 

Now, I'm going to enjoy the evening & weekend with my fabulous friends! 

I know I'll have challenges ahead, but if I can overcome this, I can overcome anything. As long as I have the support I've had through this, this Princess can take on the world. 

Thank you all!!! I love you so very much & am so humbled by the love & support. I never could have done this alone. TB2G, my family & friends. <3

Perspective

Perspective:

All of the following disease I've been personally touched by: 

Alzheimer's Disease

Epilepsy

Pancreatic Cancer

My Grandmother & Mother both died from Alzheimer's. My son was diagnosed with Epilepsy at age 6 & is at risk of dying from a phenomena known as SUDEP (Sudden Unexplained Death in Epilepsy) and you all know my story with Pancreatic Cancer. All are represented by the symbol of the purple ribbon. 

Today, there are no survivors of Alzheimer’s. If you do not die from it, you die with it. In 2010, 83,494 Americans died of Alzheimer’s disease. Up to 50,000 Americans die each year from seizures and related causes. 36,800 Americans die from pancreatic cancer. ALL of these diseases are personal to me and ALL are deadly. More importantly, to me, ALL are seriously underfunded at the NIH. 

This is what keeps my cancer in perspective: 

I watched the two most important women in my life forget who I was. They forgot their grandchildren, their children and a husband of more than 50 years.  The two women who helped mold me into the woman I grew in to, forgot my name. The Mom I turned out to be was heavily influenced by the example of my most loving and selfless, grandmother, Neenie. I watched her & then my Mom deteriorate over years into a shell of a person and then the "death rattle" began and the Grim Reaper was upon them, stealing the memories and ultimately stealing their breath.

I have watched a 6 year old struggle with the stigma of Epilepsy & deal with the effects of active seizures. It has been the hardest struggle of my life, BY FAR, watching my child go through tests, ER visits and take medication every day to help save his life. I STILL live every day in fear of Epilepsy killing my only child, NOT a cancer trying to kill me. In spite of Epilepsy, my son grew into a confident young man that lives life every day to the fullest. He's loyal & compassionate. He's my hero & a role model for me.

We have talked many times about our deaths. Probably because death has always been in the background of our daily lives. The fear of his potential death & living with the untimely death of my big sister when she was only 5, made it essential to discuss living and the end of life.  Kyle & I came to an agreement many years ago before my cancer: We will celebrate life. We will not embrace death, nor allow the Grim Reaper to dictate our daily lives.

I'm grateful for each day & I'm grateful it isn't my son battling cancer. 

To me, I'll take Pancreatic Cancer EVERY SINGLE DAY as long as my son is doing well. I'll take dying of Pancreatic Cancer over Alzheimer's so I won't forget who my son is years before my death. 

THAT my friends, is MY perspective. All we have is today. 

"Get up, look up & never give up."~Michael Irvin

HELP! Prayers & donations needed!

As one of my fellow princess warrior fights for her life today, I ask 2 things: 

1) pray for her surgeons and a successful surgery to relieve her pain & help her continue to fight 

2) donate to Pancan & PurpleStride-Nashville.

Let me ask you, what were you doing at 26 years of age? Were you diagnosed with what they call the most "lethal cancer" on the planet? Were you trying to find the best of the best physicians to lead you in the fight for your life? If you weren't, drop to your knees and thank God, Buddha, Jehovah, Mother Earth or whomever that you didn't have to face that challenge. Ashley did have to face that challenge. She's young, beautiful, smart and driven, like many of my friends when we were that age. She had her entire life ahead of her. Think of all you've done since you were 26. She never was able to do much of what we were because she has been fighting for her life.

I now have 850 friends on Facebook. To those that have donated to PurpleStride-Nashville, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. If each of my friends only donated $5 than would be over $4,000. That is the cost of a Starbucks coffee. 

I'm asking for your donation to help us find better screening, better treatments and to STOP pancreatic cancer. 

When I was diagnosed I knew it was aggressive, but had no idea that the advances we've made in other cancers had NOT been made in Pancreatic Cancer. WE CAN CHANGE THAT! The time is now...please donate & help Ashley & pray that she pull through this challenge. Donate and help the other young friends I have that are battling this awful cancer in their 20s & 30s. 

Thanks y'all! 

Your tax-deductible donation is greatly appreciated & it goes to researchers, like my Dr. Awesome who is dedicated to fighting this cancer!!!

http://purplestride.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1070525&lis=1&kntae1070525=89485D9632294967BF218F065E7E6212&supId=387554468

You are the company you keep

One of the benefits of a diagnosis of PDAC is that for many, it helps to get your priorities in order, set boundaries, right your wrongs & hold others accountable for actions.

My Neenie would always say to me as a kid, "You are the company you keep."

Well, I CHOOSE to be around men & women of character that understand that the hard decisions are often the most difficult to make and abide by. It's what separates the men & women from the boys & girls. They understand actions have consequences. They take personal responsibility for their actions and learn from them. They take ownership & move forward making better decisions. They are those that put others ahead of their own selfish needs or desires.

I've made a conscious decision to eradicate the energy vampires & narcissists from my life.

It is the most freeing feeling in the world! I've never felt more at peace!

You leave this world with one thing, YOUR REPUTATION!

I hope that when my departure comes, my son can say, "She wasn't perfect. She made mistakes & taught me how to say, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you & I love you!" She was a woman of character who taught me to choose carefully, treat people with dignity & respect, love with all you have and loyalty to family & friends are all that matter."

At the end of the day all that matters is I can face God as a forgiven sinner. I can look at myself in the mirror and know I've done my best. That my son not only loves & respects me, but more importantly learns to be a better man, a man of character.  That he love & respect others and choose his friends wisely. That he knows I love him more! Infinity! No take backs!

TB2G!
Princess out! <3

The best is yet to come!

Well, to say a lot has happened in the last 2-3 weeks, is an understatement!
First let me say, rest in peace, Dorothy. Kyle loved his Grandmother very much and I know my wonderful Father-in-law misses his beautiful bride. Yes, I still call my former spouse's Dad, my FIL. He's a great man & role model for my son.
Next, the rest of what happened was the result of adults making poor choices and now they have consequences to deal with because of those poor choices. It's called being an "adult"! Maybe someday you'd like to join us. Hell, my son has greater maturity than some of these "adults" I've had to sever my relationships with. All I can do is pray for them, wish for the best & hope we can rebuild a once strong friendship before I die. Of course that's if they abide by my boundaries...one has hope, for the other one it's, "just say "NO" to PFOs" & is a Lifetime movie in the making...hahahaha
Now onto my update:
I'm still working on my guest blog post. I became a little sidetracked by the death of Dorothy & trying to help out a friend.

The above photo is: before (Jan 2013), surgery & last day of chemo! My next super awesome photo will be on my return to work day: September 30, 2013. TB2G! 
Update: I have now completed 18 infusions of Gemzar. I was fortunate that my body was able to handle the 3 weeks on, one week off regimen, for most of my cycles. My body took a hit in the fatigue (anemia) and strength area. Also, my joints & body ache  most of the time and I nap daily. 
I am scheduled to have my post treatment CT scan on 9/4. I am using the time from now until 9/30 to regain strength and get organized for my return to work.
Thank you to my family, work family & friends for the love & support! I could not have made it without that and all your prayers! TB2G! 
Life is good & so is God. <3
Princess out! 

Grandmothers & unconditional love

Friday, August 9th. Friday, February 9th...exactly 6 months from my diagnosis, my son lost his  grandmother to cancer.

Sadly, my son has to go through the pain of grieving his beloved Grandmother. Grandmother & Mimi. They were Kyle's biggest cheerleaders when he was whisked away to the NICU and every day thereafter. Grandparents are special, but there's something extra special about a grandmother.

I may have had my differences with my former Mother-in-law, but there was one thing that I absolutely respected and loved about her; She loved my son, her only grandchild, like nobody's business. She doted on him as if the world revolved around him. Her world DID revolve around him. She always had the best outfits for him, made sure he was perfectly clean and was especially loved. She was bound and determined to make sure he would call her, "Grandmother". Nothing else would do. The funny thing is, toddlers have difficulty saying certain words and for Kyle, "Grandmother" was one of those words. He couldn't quite get it. He tried, but it came out as, "Hammer". She worked diligently with him until he turned "Hammer" into "Grandmother".

Like my Neenie, Kyle's Grandmother was an excellent cook! She made the BEST cake and cinnamon candy! She could put any Southern chef to shame! I know that's where Kyle got his love for cooking because it surely didn't come from me! HA!

It's late and I wonder, "How do I help heal my son's broken heart from the loss of one of the women who have loved him unconditionally?" I realize, I can't. I know he understands that his Mimi, Grandmother and myself love him more than life. That's what great Moms & Grandmothers do.They put their kids & grandkids first. They are selfless & giving.

I hope Kyle feels the presence of his Grandmothers around him. That there is a never ending cloak of love covering him & this will somehow carry him through his grief.

I also hope that Mimi & Grandmother watch over Kyle and help guide & protect him.

There's nothing like a grandmothers love...rest in peace, Dorothy. Kyle loves you more than anything! You're his one and only, "Grandmother, aka Hammer"

Recovery, redemption & renewal

Being told you have the most lethal cancer is a life changing event. It catapults you into a position in life you never thought you'd have to face before the age of 50.

What I've learned:

Recovery

I'm stronger than I ever knew.

I've recovered from what is called, "the most difficult surgery" on the planet.

I'm beating the most lethal cancer.

I have the best friends & family on the planet! SO BLESSED! 

I have the best employer & colleagues.

I am surrounded by love daily.

I know I am a great, loyal & honest friend to those I love.

Redemption:

Given a second chance at life does change your perspective immensely. 

I've learned a lot over the last 6 months. 

I have zero tolerance for bullshit & pathological liars. 

I will not back down for those I love & after this diagnosis have nothing to lose & everything to gain.

I've learned who is worth having in my life & who is an energy vampire/drama queen and needs to be cut out of my life one way or another.

I've learned unconditional love & support from those who are truly kind hearted & selfless. 

I've learned to ignore the narcissistic/PFOs who threaten the innocent. I know their time will come. It's called, "Karma" & I have great friends in law enforcement. :)

I've learned to forgive & pray for those lost, pathetic souls and hope they find their way past the materialistic world. 

I've learned that just because you go to church every Sunday, you're no more of a Christian than standing in the garage makes you an automobile. 

I've learned that there is evil in this world.

I've learned that evil does not scare me.

Renewal:

Starting a new chapter in life is always a little frightening. However, when you've overcome the darkest diagnosis in cancer, nothing scares you in the least.

I'm stronger in faith than I've ever been.

I'm a survivor.

I'm a better Mom, sister, daughter & friend.

My true friends can be honest & we love and respect one another unconditionally.

I have a new lease on life & intend to make the most of what God intends for me.

I will do all I can to bring positive into others lives & pray for those who need it most. 

Next session: 

How we can increase the survivability of the most deadly cancer. The choices you make in treatment can dramatically affect your outcome. 

Tiara straight, fight on.

Princess out! 

Counting the days!!

August is going to be a GREAT month! 

A LOT TO CELEBRATE! 

<3 TBtoG!

Could it be?

That my hair will grow back thicker and with a slight curl? I hope so, but am not stressed out about it, the wigs have been F-U-N! Plus, really? I'm battling what they call, "the most lethal" cancer & winning! TBtoG! (Thanks Be to God) NOTHING really bothers me anymore!

Here's 5 wacky ways your hair might grow back after chemo.

https://www.whatnext.com/blog/posts/5-wacky-ways-your-hair-might-grow-back-after-chemo/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=[5%20wackyways]

Have a great day!
Love with all of your heart & pray for those that are lost & struggling.
Princess out <3

The Wicked Witch

One of my favorite movies, as a child

"Be gone! Before somebody drops a house on you, too!"~Glinda the Good Witch
Good v. Evil...good always wins <3
Winning!
TBtoG
Princess out <3

Coffee, checkers & silver linings

I am often described as the "Perpetual Polly Anna". I always try to look for the positive in every situation.

You ask, "How could there be anything positive about a Pancreatic Cancer diagnosis?"
Well, I firmly believe there ARE worse things that could happen to me. I'm grateful it was me to get this diagnosis, rather than my son or my siblings. Really, I am glad it struck me vs. any of my loved ones. Seriously, no one is guaranteed a tomorrow. My older sister died at 5 in a motor vehicle accident and one of my best friends at 20 from an aviation accident. From my "Positive Polly Anna" perspective, I've been blessed with an additional 45 years than my sister and 30 more than my friend. What do I have to complain about? NOTHING!

So, here are the sliver linings:

• Today I am 5 months post operative from the Whipple and I've recovered well
• My CA19-9 was 270 & is down to 15 at 20 weeks post op (normal is: 0-37)
• I've gained back most of my lost weight (good sign)
• I've made some new friends who DO understand my journey
• I have a family that loves & supports me
• My son is the best thing ever!!! 
• I'm still alive and am going to beat this! I have a story to tell!
• My closest friendships are even stronger. I know what true friends do for you in a time of crises

Life can throw you a curve ball sometimes. It's how you play through adversity, I believe, that matters. I've learned to appreciate every little thing. Such as having coffee and playing checkers with my son. My best memories revolve around God's greatest gift to me, my son. Having a bigger house, nicer car or going on the finest vacations are insignificant when you are faced with your mortality. It is true that, in the end, it's your relationships that matter and not anything materialistic.

So, remember this: "Treasure your relationships, not your possessions."~Anthony J. D'Angelo

Quick update on my infusions:

Only 4 more to go, then comes the scan. If all remains on the positive path I am currently on, I will be returning to my uber fabulous job in September. Watch out competition, you're going to go down. If Pancreatic Cancer can't stop me, nobody can! My last infusion was pretty tough. I premedicated, but still had a couple of issues. I developed a fever and I continue to feel like I've been in the ring with Evander Holyfield for a couple of rounds. It takes until late Thursday before I feel somewhat human again. Thank goodness it's almost over. My exceptionally intelligent, thought leader in PC, Dr. Awesome believes I'll beat this and be around for a long time. Well, at least 5 years. That's the time frame they think about in Oncology. :) and I believe him. 

TBtoG! 

Princess out! <3

Under pressure!! :-/

First, let me say, Thank you God for this beautiful life & forgive me for not loving it enough...in the past! Trust me & it is clichè, you really do have a special appreciation for life after a cancer diagnosis.

Good news: grateful for a God that is constant & forgiving; grateful for the gift of my amazing son; grateful for my loving & forgiving family & friends whose love and support are unconditional; grateful for my uber fabulous Medical Team at Vanderbilt, especially MY Dr. Awesome; grateful I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with only 6 more infusions; grateful I will be returning to work post chemotherapy. 

Not so good news: I have 6 more infusions and they will become more challenging, according to Dr. Awesome. THIS I am not looking forward to, but I love him for his honesty, among other things, like his wicked sense of humor! 

My last 2 infusions were NOT fun. Infusion 11, I was overcome with nausea and vomiting that I haven't seen since the days of pregnancy. Nothing was making me feel better until that great, white, little pill: phenergan! Hello, sleep...goodbye nausea and vomiting! Infusion 12, we made a preemptive strike against the GI attack and the muscle pain. I preloaded with my own Zofran & Xanax. I was then intravenously fed MORE Zofran, Ativan and given Tylenol. Fortunately, it kept the Gastro Army at bay, but did little for the onslaught of what felt like a beating from Evander Holyfield in round 1, Roberto Duran in round 2 & from Smokin' Joe Frazier (crossing over from the other side) for round 3! 

Now it's Sunday. On my breaks from chemo, this is usually my best day, physically and my worst day, mentally. I work myself up with anxiety and put myself under pressure (think head exploding pressure) with anticipation of: the port flush (YUCK, YUCK, DOUBLE YUCK!!!!!!), then the chemo & the aftereffects. 

Tomorrow is also a big day as we will be checking my CA19-9 levels (normal 0-37), again. Just to remind you, this is the tumor marker. It's taken to gauge my response to treatment. Prior to the mind-blowing whipple (when they say it's the "granddaddy" of surgeries, they are NOT kidding) it was 270. 5 weeks post op it was 17. 12 weeks post op it was 15. We're hoping and praying it continues to drop. We are now 20 weeks post op and it will be measured every 8-12 weeks for the rest of my life. So glad I LOVE my Vandy team. They get to see me for a VERY long time! 

What hasn't continued to drop is my weight! The Whipple, being the bad ass surgery that it is, takes the weight off of you QUICKLY! I was down to 112-114 a few weeks ago, but I'm happy to say, this little vegan, cancer fighting Princess is back up to the 125-130 range! That puts me back in the Featherweight class for my next round with Holyfield. Bring it ON! 

I haven't had my first follow up scan, post op. Dr.Awesome has told me I can have it at anytime. Based on our early discussions, I still want to wait until after this CA19-9. If done too soon, post whipple, inflammation from the surgery can give a false positive on a CT scan. I'm thinking I'll have the guts to get it done in the next couple of weeks. A LOT rides on this CA19-9 and the CT scan. If they show, "NED-No Evidence of Disease", it means my surgery was a success (which I have no doubt because of Dr.Phenomenal & Chief Resident, Dr. Chin-up Buttercup!) and that the chemo has sniffed out and killed any rogue bitch cancer cells that witch may have been hiding. They have been EXECUTED! Way to go to my body's SWAT team! So, all remains great, I move forward & finish my chemo and I return to work in September. Please say a special prayer that God's will be done. I don't want to think about the alternative IF my cancer sniffing dog-chemo has missed one cell. I have faith chemo has done his job in sniffing out the evil witch and the SWAT team has taken them all out.

Much love to all and to those who know me well, I send my, "I love you more! Infinity! No take backs!" I'm still scared shitless, but I view the fear as a good thing. It keeps me hyper vigilant with my diet and appreciating every moment and all those I love...especially one KB, my son. 

Next update: results of CA19-9 & side effects of infusion 1 of round 5...#13 overall

Princess out! <3 

Feeling better & Talks with God, by Dede

Felt good enough this afternoon to venture out to Gilda's Club and met with 2 other PC survivors! Both diagnosed last year and still living life! One is Stage 4 the other Stage 2B, like me. The guy, like me, went back to work after his surgery & when he completed chemo & radiation. That's been my plan & I have a countdown to when I am through with chemo! ONLY 6 more infusions & then back to my "new normal" life! I can not wait to be back at work! Chemo is progressively harder as you go...boo hiss! But there is light at the end of the tunnel and it is NOT an oncoming train! It's the brightness of my future without the evil witch in me! 

Now onto my thoughts about this evil witch, called Pancreatic Cancer. This is an EVIL cancer. Think about what breast cancer was 40 years ago. That's what we are still facing with Pancreatic Cancer. The statistics for surviving PC have not changed in my lifetime. How can that be in America? Only 6% survive to 5 years. That's pathetic! 

Help me understand WHY we have ignored Pancreatic and Ovarian cancer, both known as "silent killers"? Can WE change that for our future generations? I pray we do. 

A friend of my sister's is facing a different, very difficult diagnosis and has been sharing her, "Talks with God"...here is one from Dede...it spoke deeply to me and gave me peace knowing I'm having very similar talks with God & Christ. Thank you for your continued prayers, support & love. I'm not going to lie, I'm still very afraid sometimes, but my own "discussions with God" bring me my own kind of peace. 

Love y'all! 

Love you more! Infinity! No take backs! 

A Talk with God & Dede

June 17, 2013

I am hoping to find out if I'm going to live or die today. I have spent three months not knowing and I really want to find out something – whether good or bad – I just need to know. God, I am afraid. I do not know what is going to happen today.

But I do.

I know you do.

Will you trust me?

Yes. Again. But this is hard. Mostly I am praying to continue to feel your presence and trust in your love for me. But I would be lying if I said I didn't want to live. I really do want to live, God.

Let me write the story.

I don't know if I like your ending.

You will. It ends with me and you together.

I like that, God, but could we end up that way in 40 years and I die then?

Let me write your story.

I cried last night, afraid.

I know. I was with you.

I was afraid on the ride to the doctor yesterday. I drummed my fingers in the air out the car window and looked at every tree You made, terrified that they would hospitalize me and I would never get to be outside again. I thought about how sad it would be that the last outside world I would see was suburban traffic, strip malls, and mostly treeless streets.

I know. I was with you. I was sitting right beside you. Jesus was on your right side and I was on your left. We were there. You felt us.

I know. I remember.

So why are you afraid now? I'm still with you here in your bathroom, with you half dressed, praying when you should be getting ready, giving you the words only because you listen despite everything.

Could you just give me a hint? Does this end up as a tragedy? Do I die soon?

How can it be a tragedy if you end up in  my arms?

Due respect and I hear you, God, but I am not ready to let go of my own children yet.

I was not ready to let go of mine, either.

Don't say things like that, God. It makes me think that I am going to die.

I will be with you if you are. Be still. You're half dressed, half ready for work, cleaning the bathroom, and trying to listen to me. You're nervous and afraid. You are being like Martha. Finished getting dressed.  We can talk in a minute. Then be still and listen.

Okay. Okay. This would be a good dress for my funeral.

Just get dressed. Good joke.

Maybe? Was that a hint?

Trust me, child. I have a plan for you. It was determined before you were born or even conceived. You cannot change the plan. It is my plan for you. I wrote it as any loving father would write it, with care for every detail. It has twists and turns and chaos, and chapters of hardship and straying and chapters of love and redemption. But ultimately, across it all, my love for you never fails, no matter what. Even through death.

Jesus died at 33, right? Could you at least give me until Quentin is 33? Could you please give me 14 years?

You're bargaining. I asked you to trust, not bargain.

That isn't easy, God, when you are afraid you are dying.

It is never easy. It isn't easy for people even when they believe with certainty that they are living. They still don't trust me.

Point. It is hard to argue with you. You always win.

I am not arguing with you. I'm just talking with you.

Look, can my prayers this morning even make a difference? I have prayed for your presence and I feel you with me all of the time. But what if I drop to my knees and pray for a miracle? For your healing? To live?

You are free to pray for whatever you like.

Okay. I will pray in order of what I need.  First:

Dear God, I pray that I will always know Your love.  I pray that not a day in my life will go by when I don't hear Your voice, see Your face, trust Your words, and feel Your love. I pray that my heart will always know with absolute confidence that it is You. And may Your love for me translate into love for all of those around me. May others feel Your love through me.

Second, I would really like to live.

I will grant you the first prayer. Who cares about the second one, then?

I do. My kids do. What good can I do if I am dead?

What good did Jesus do after he died?

Point. But quit talking about Him. Every time you bring Him up, you make me think that I am for certain going to die.

He is my son. Parents talk about our children because we love them.

Let me talk to Jesus, then.

Will you finished getting dressed and get out of the bathroom first?

Okay.

Hello. It's Jesus.

Hey, Jesus. I had all this stuff  to say to You and was going to ask You many questions about dying young and beg for You to intervene, but now I'm not really sure my words and questions matter. Instead, I find myself just sitting here with You in Your love. Jesus, I do feel Your love. And I am still scared. My mind drifts back to scary diagnoses, inconclusive tests, and concerned doctors who offer me drinks of water as they share test results full of medical terms that I can't pronounce.

Let them all go. Just sit here with me now. Feel my love for you. Stop talking. Let me heal you.  Just sit in my love. Feel how clean and whole and at peace you are.

Okay. Jesus, I can hear you talking to God – "if there is any way to pass this cup, then pass it. But your will, not mine, be done." Thank you for the prayer on my behalf. Thank you for sitting with me this morning and sharing your love.

Do you see the world opening up before you? Do you see what is happening as people heal each in their own way that they need to heal? Can you see the miracle that is your life in Me?

I can.

Trust me for the end of the story. I promise: it ends up good. I will never forsake you and you will always know my love. What else could you need?

Nothing.

So let everything else go. Put it aside – all of it – even your life. It doesn't matter. Be clear in my love for you and stay focused on me. The only thing that matters is my love. And the more you let go of – even letting go of your life – the more of this love that you will know. Someday, you will give up all of it – your children, your husband, your friends and family, your house, your health, everything you know and love, to be with me. And you will do it willingly and consider it a good trade.

I would really like to do that later, God, but not now.

Trust me. I am not against you in this. We want the same thing. I want you to end up in my arms for all eternity. Letting go of the things you love on earth is the only way to get there. It will take some time, but you will be able to let them go. The more you let them go, the more space you will find for my love.  And the more you find my love, the more at peace you will feel until you will want nothing else but this love.

Okay. I love You. I trust You. Part of me is hoping that you mean that all of this happens when I am 87 and not 47, but Your will be done. Anyway, spending eternity in Your love sounds worth it all. Amen then, God.

Amen.

I love it when You say Amen.

 

I love it when you say Amen.

 

Amen.