This wasn't supposed to happen to me!

This wasn't supposed to happen to me. Everyone always believes that. At least, I think everyone believes that. Seriously? Pancreatic cancer? Me? No! This was NOT supposed to happen to me!
I'm supposed to live to the ripe old age of 80 or 90, like my Mom and my Neenie! I'm supposed to die of Alzheimer's, like they did! I'm supposed to live long enough to see my son graduate from college, meet and marry the girl of his dreams, watch my son and daughter-in-law grow in their love for one another, spoil my grandkids, find the love of my life! I'm not supposed to die of pancreatic cancer! It was NOT in my plan!

How absurd is it that I thought I had any control? For as long as I can remember, I've always tried to "control" my outcomes in life. Maybe this is the ultimate test for me to finally let go of that control?

I'm faced with the biggest challenge of my life. I thought I had faced some significant challenges in the past. Really, I had. To me, being a single mom for 16 years, having my son diagnosed with Epilepsy at age 6, those were challenges. Now I ponder, not why me, but how did this happen to me? I still have so much on my "to do" list. I focused on my son all those years, that I thought I would have plenty of time to find my "soulmate". I wanted to find this person and travel with them. I wanted to sit on the couch and read with them in the same room, not having to say a word, but understanding that we are bonded like no other. I wanted that special someone that would help me spoil our grandkids, only to send them back to their parents completely rotten! That was how it was supposed to be.

I'm now faced with a new "reality". One where I hope to be alive this time next year. The Doctors have all said, "Don't look at the statistics." Hahahaha...such a silly thing to say to a girl who LOVES statistics. Of course I looked at the statistics. They are not pretty when it comes to Pancreatic Cancer. I have about a 20% chance of being alive next year. I have about an 8% chance of being alive in 5 years. I knew these statistics before my diagnosis. I also believe, I can beat the statistics.

This weeks minor set back with my white blood cell count being too low for a chemo session was disappointing. However, I'll be back at Vanderbilt on Monday, the day after Easter, the Highest of Holy days, in my opinion, as a Christian, to continue my fight. In the words of my baby sister, "TBtoG"...Thanks Be to God...I'm here for another day to fight.

I'm eternally grateful to all for their love and support through my battle. I love you all!