Courage

Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway.
- John Wayne

I found this quote this morning. So many people have told me how courageous I am. I keep thinking, "Man, do I have them fooled! I'm not courageous, I'm scared to death!" 

I am scared to death. Every little pain I feel, I think, "Crap! The cancer has metastasized!" I cry every day. Not because I'm afraid of dying, I'm not. I honestly believe my departure from this world will be a peaceful one. I was with my Mom as she passed away on Feb. 9, 2011 & she quietly snuck out on us. I envision my departure much the same. I gave my Mom her last dose of morphine. My sister & I were sleeping in the same room with her. I awoke at 4 a.m., wiped her mouth and her face with a washcloth, gave her the morphine, kissed her forehead and told her I loved her and went back to sleep. Lana awoke at 6, brought the kids over to kiss "Mimi" before they went to school. I went back to sleep and awoke at 8. I heard Daddy in the kitchen making coffee, Lana was back and talking with Daddy, Tim was asleep in his room. I rose and looked at Mom. I knew something was different. I couldn't move my feet to go to her. I looked at her and said to Lana, "Mom's color has changed." Lana came over and said, "She's gone." I still couldn't move. I was frozen. My Mom had snuck away and made her departure quietly while I slept beside her. I envision my departure much the same way, quietly with the help of morphine. I'm just hoping it will be many years from now after I've wreaked havoc in a Senior Facility with my best girlfriends.

I'm not courageous in my battle with Pancreatic Cancer. Courage to me are the kids who are battling cancer or some chronic medical condition. Courage to me are our soldiers who have sacrificed all so I can have a blog to bitch about how much it sucks that I have cancer. Courage to me is my son who has lived with Epilepsy since the age of 6. He never let it limit what he could do. He wouldn't let his completely neurotic mother put him in a bubble. He lives his life! I'm not courageous. I'm just a Mom fighting for more time with my amazing son. I'm not courageous, I'm scared to death. Im scared I'm not going to have enough time to tell my son how completely great it's been being his Mom. I'm scared I'm not going to have enough time to tell him all the little secrets to life I've learned on my journey. I'm scared I'm not going to be able to hold my grandchild and see the likeness of the "little Kyle" I love so much. Those are the things that terrify me...not dying. I've seen death. It was easier on my Mother than the rest of us. The difference is, my Mother was 80 when she died & 70 when she started her departure with Alzheimer's. I want 20 more years! 

So, you can see by my rant, this morning, I'm not courageous. I'm scared and mad as hell that I may be robbed of those life moments we sometimes take for granted. 

Time for my Oxygen (figuratively speaking) & to saddle up!