How am I doing? Really....

I've received this question from my loving friends, more than once. So, I thought I would address it in my blog.

How am I doing, really? I'm tired most of the time. I'm depressed some of the time. I'm grateful for my friends, family, to be alive and having the most amazing medical team to fight this awful cancer ALL OF THE TIME, even if I may not express it enough or very well.

Tired: Let me tell you, I have an entirely new perspective on the definition of "tired". I've been tired before from working long hours, running Kyle around to school, gigs and games and spending weekends of fun with my friends, but this is an entirely different kind of tired. As my Neenie would have said, "I'm tired to the bone." I'm also cold all of the time. It's all because of the chemo. Today, for instance, I have slept most of the day and am still exhausted. I'm pretty confident I will have my first experience with a blood transfusion tomorrow. I called Vanderbilt on Friday to inquire about getting a transfusion. I thought I might go ahead and get one in Louisville, until I found out that it would require me to go to the ER. Thanks, but no thanks! I've had enough of the ER at Baptist East for the last 2 months. So, they are prepping for me to have one at Vandy, tomorrow. Sam put in a request to have my blood crossed and typed when they draw from my port to check my counts prior to chemo. She also requested more time in the infusion center for me. Apparently it takes longer to transfuse some blood than it takes for my infusion. They only block out an hour and a half for my infusion, but I'll need an extra hour for a transfusion. It should be an interesting experience. I've been told I'll feel like a million bucks after the transfusion. What would really make me feel like a million would be to be completely free of this beast, completely cured and never have to think of pancreatic adenocarcinoma again. Sadly, that will never happen. :(

Depressed: I was diagnosed with pancreatic adenocarcinoma, the most lethal of all cancers, they say. Enough said. My life is forever changed and I will never have my other life back. I have to go to Vanderbilt pretty much every week, through chemo, and then I'll be in their nifty surveillance program. Meaning, I will be at Vanderbilt-Ingram Cancer Center on a regular basis for the rest of my life.

Grateful: I'm grateful for my friends & family for the love and support. We are all grieving this diagnosis and dealing with it the best that we can. What is difficult, at times, is that I deal with it differently than my friends and family. It has proven to be a challenge, with some, in communicating my wants, needs and fears. I'm a fiercely independent girl. It's very difficult for me to ask for help. I'm slowly learning, so please bear with me. I'm grateful for my Vanderbilt team that really has given me a second lease on life. Although the life I now have is vastly different from the life I had planned, I'm very blessed to have gone there for a second opinion and chosen the team I have to fight this cancer. I'm alive and according to my uber-fabulous Oncologist, he believes I'll beat this beast. Meaning, I'll be here for at least 5 years...hopefully more.

It's Sunday and it's my "grieving day"...tomorrow I'll be back to my Monday routine of Vanderbilt-Ingram Cancer Center...and using my lifeline, hopefully to kill more cancer cells.

Time for some Oxygen...goodnight <3