Insomnia

Every Sunday before chemo, I just can not sleep. I'm anxious...anxious about the results of my blood work. Anxious about the questions I have for my medical team and the answers that may come. Anxious about the chemotherapy/poison that will be injected into my body to kill not only any rogue cancer cells, but good cells too. Anxious about the after effects on my body because of the therapy I have to endure to save my life.

I believe I can't sleep because my life is so drastically different from my normal life. My Sundays were very regimented for me. I used to spend my Sunday planning my work week. I miss strategizing about accounts, cleaning & organizing my car, laundry and packing. Now my Sundays consist of preparing for my visit with my Oncologist.

Now, I'm strategizing on how to extend my life. I'm not cleaning and organizing my car. I'm now organizing my medical records, EOBs and medical bills. I'm becoming very well versed in what my insurance coverage is and am shocked at some of the costs in my medical care. I'll do an entire post on this...so please don't get me started on Big Insurance!

My Sundays are so different. I just want to go back to my "normal". However, I can never go back to my normal. I have a new normal and I don't have any choice but to embrace it. It sounds so cliche, but life can change on a dime.

The things that suck about my new normal:
I miss my working family
I miss traveling to see accounts and the drive time/alyson time to think
I miss my favorite accounts
I miss getting dressed up and in heels
I miss a lot of good food
I miss the energy I used to have
...there are a lot of things I miss, but these are at the forefront of my mind on this sleepless night.

The things that don't suck about my new normal:
The love I feel from my family and friends
The care packages and cards from family and friends
The naps I get to take, like you did in Kindergarten!
The knowledge that my son loves me unconditionally
My time to reflect on how fortunate I am to have the life I have

My new normal is so foreign to me. I'm still grieving over the death of my normal life.
I try to stay positive with each day and not get too consumed by all of the changes. It's just so hard sometimes. I have this port inserted into my chest that is my lifeline. I have a vertical scar on my abdomen that reminds me everyday, I endured one of the most difficult and challenging surgeries.

My new normal is hyper-focused on research. I read about my cancer. I communicate with others like me. I'm consumed with finding a way to beat this. I'm not going to give up. Yes, I have bad days. Yes, I am a realist with an optimistic attitude.

Insomnia comes from having so many questions and not being able to get the answers I need for some of my questions, to relieve my anxious mind.

Chemo session #4 is today, in 10 hours. After that, only 14 to go! Insomnia will lose tomorrow night. After chemo, I sleep on Mondays and prepare myself for the side effects that I know are coming on Tuesday.

My next post will walk you through my visit, today. I'll document from the time I get to the lab to access my port for my blood work and walk you through a day in the life of a pancreatic cancer patient at Vanderbilt-Ingram Cancer Center.

Time to put my Oxygen mask on for the week...I see some bumpy travel this week.