Grieving 101

Grieving 101:

Grieving the life I had up to Feb. 8, 2013. Being bothered by the little things. Always believing I had the time to travel, find my special someone, see Kyle & Kristin graduate from college, see Steven, Kyle & Kristin get married, see grandkids, spoil grandkids, work for another 15 years, enjoy my "senior years" & do all the things I postponed because I was working & supporting my phenomenal son. I always thought I'd have time. I mean, I had heard, 50 was the new 30! "You're a cougar! Find yourself a younger guy! Live it up! Go travel!" Hahaha...Please don't get me wrong! I'm grieving so much, but a man is not at the top of the list. I recently lost a beautiful, tragic friend because of a "man" & trust me, I would rather be in my shoes than hers. She needs more prayers than I do. I have pancreatic cancer and I have a better chance of finding a great guy than she does...such a pity...it's a Lifetime movie...but I digress.

Reality after Feb. 9, 2013. 

Being told not to look at statistics. Looking at the statistics. I knew the stats before Feb. 8. Duh, I'm not stupid! I knew I had to act quickly! Rapidly researching options. Finding a surgeon. Miraculously knowing a Medical Oncologist who specializes in Pancreatic cancer. Surgery within a week of discharge, major surgery within 9 days, tubes, IVs, glucose checks. Hospitals, ports, blood work, chemo. No longer having a 10 year plan, but a 6 month plan with the hopes of beating the statistics to be have a 5 year plan.

I don't fear dying. I grieve the life I thought I would have or still had time for. I grieve I may not see my granddaughter or grandson. I grieve I may not be there for Kyle's major milestones. I grieve I can no longer be so carefree. I grieve what I missed out on, in my past. I also grieve what I may miss out on in the future.

I apologize if I "snap" at you. I know you're grieving in your own way. I don't mean to minimize any struggle you've had, but my struggle is completely different. I truly am in a life & death battle. Unless you've been diagnosed with the same God-forsaken cancer or some other terminal illness, you can not fathom the fear & utter panic I have felt. I am a positive person. However, I am also a realist. I know the odds of my survival. No one understands this better than me. Yes, I want to be in the 9% that survive 5 years. However, there are no guarantees.

What I need from you through this process? I need you to donate to Pancreatic Cancer research. Donate to Vanderbilt-Ingram Cancer Center or Pancreatic Cancer Action Network. They desperately need more research dollars. It sucks to be me or like me and be diagnosed with the cancer that hasn't had the same exposure & dollars donated as breast and prostate cancer. Pancreatic cancer only gets 2% of NIH money...THAT SUCKS!! I also need & appreciate the food that is brought to me & my super-duper new juicer! I need & appreciate the care packages. Lotion is always a good thing for a chemo patient. My skin is extremely dry. I am grateful for the love & support. Please continue with the prayers & support for Kyle, as well. I'm his biggest fan & I can't imagine departing this earth without fulfilling my obligation to him as his Mother.

It's ok to cry with me. It's ok to say, "IT SUCKS!" It's ok to hope with me. What's not ok? It's not ok to say, "You're going to beat this." I don't know if I will, but I'm doing all I can control. What would be better to say? "I'm here for whatever you need & THIS SUCKS!" Please don't say, "I understand." No, thank God, unless you're also a PC patient with stage 2B adenocarcinoma, you don't understand. I can't understand what it's like to be a stage 4 PC patient. I may someday, but today, I don't. What I can say to my new friends with stage 4 PC, "I'm here for you, I'm praying and IT SUCKS YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS!"

My body is still healing and my mind is still reeling. I'm still trying to put my Oxygen mask on first. However, it's the hardest thing to do. 

Much love to all,

Alyson