Would you like to know how many times I've heard that Pancreatic Cancer is a "death sentence"? Too numerous to count.
Anymore, I just laugh when I hear this. My new response to people is going to be, "Reality check! I STILL may outlive you! We ALL have an expiration date. I just happen to have a clearer picture of when mine MAY be. You too, will die. Last time I checked, no one gets out of here alive!"
This is my new normal. It's no longer life interrupted, it is now, this is my last chapter. I just don't know how many pages I'm going to be writing in this last chapter. Worst case scenario: I die within a year, get struck by lightning, have a tree limb fall on me, be sucked in to a sink hole, die in a motor vehicle accident, succumb to a systemic infection or die from pancreatic cancer. Best case scenario: I wake up each day and I continue to live, continue with chemo and live and love for another 5 years or more. I'm living in 3-6 month increments and hoping for the best.
I know I'm living with a "death sentence". I believe what separates me from many, I've realized this before I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. You see, I have an older sister. She was a beautiful child, second born to Norma & Pete. They had their perfect family. First born son, then 3 daughters. Sadly, my sister's death sentence came on the 25th day of October in 1966 as a result of an auto accident. There was no longer the perfect family. We became a fractured & broken family. Why do I tell everyone this? Because I grew up with grief and the shadow of death, daily. I grew up with knowing what a true "death sentence" is. I also saw the "death sentence" of one of my best friends on November 27th in 1983. Kathy was a beautiful & talented young woman who knew what she wanted in life, only to have her life tragically cut short as a result of an aviation accident.
I don't really have a death sentence because of pancreatic cancer. I have a life to live because of pancreatic cancer. I have a life to be grateful for because of pancreatic cancer. I'm 49 years old. That's 44 more years than my sister, Paulette, was given. That's 29 more years than what Kathy was given. I'm blessed to have had the life I have lived. I've had my struggles, made my mistakes, made friends and lost friends. I've been married, had my son, divorced, then raised my son pretty much on my own. I've known great love, been with the love of my life and I've lost great love. I've raised a young toddler into a great young man. I've traveled to beautiful destinations and been surrounded by love. You see, I've been able to experience so many beautiful things in life my sister and friend were denied.
So, when you believe I'm living with a "death sentence", think again. It may be you that's living with a death sentence. I'm living my life and feeling more love and support than I have ever felt. I wouldn't want to trade places with anyone for the life I've had.
My Oxygen mask is on & I'm living.
I just looked up inspiration in the dictionary and there was your picture. You are amazing. Live on chemo sistah!
ReplyDeleteHaha...aren't you sweet, my fellow cancer fighting, chemo sister! I'm just trying to keep it in perspective. Don't get me wrong, I still think it SUCKS that I have pancreatic cancer, but I also recognize that I'm blessed in many ways that others have been denied. Keep fighting!!! <3
ReplyDeleteOk AlleyCat, now you are making ME cry..... . I have lived all these years to witness all of this and I LOVE you.
ReplyDeleteAlyson, I am in awe of your positive outlook! What a lesson it is for those of us not living with cancer....enjoy the time that you are given! Each day is a blessing and we should all remember that. You inspire me. :)
ReplyDeleteOnce again, you prove your writing talent and we are one in how we see life, you and I. I knew about your sister and the fracture it left in your family when your parents lost her. You have always known better than to take life for granted. You knew life is fragile, fragile. Blessings to you for the courage to share.
ReplyDeleteWe all live with a death sentence. Some have more obstacles to jump over than others, but the fact remains, we will all die at some point. I believe that there are more and more people surviving pancreatic cancer. You are one of them. No it's not the life you expected, but it is YOUR life and you are inspiring so many, me included.
ReplyDeleteI grew very tired of the looks and remarks that would come our way when we told people what type of cancer my mom had. My mom said one time that she was tired of people treating her like she was already gone. She was here and as long as God gave her life, she was going to do her best to live it. She did.